am i still a writer if i barely write?

 What happens when you fall out of love with the one thing that's always made sense to you? Well, I'll tell you. Very little happens. It's been 5 months since I've posted on here. In that time, I can't say I've given a lot of my time to writing. I would love to blame it on COVID, which wouldn't be a complete lie, but I'm afraid the truth is a little more glum, if that's even possible.

I graduated from university with a 2:1 in English with Writing. I spent 3 years learning how to shape myself as a writer, analysing what old people meant in books when they said things like 'thou'. All that time, and all that work, and I graduated. And then... I had to move back in with my parents. I was furloughed. All the pubs and shops were shut. It was almost as if I'd gone back 3 years and I never even went to uni in the first place. 

I'm not naive to the fact that it's very rare to graduate and walk straight into a job related to your degree, let alone a career that you've been passionate about for your entire youth. However, I expected a little bit more than nothing, which was what I felt like I had. And with that, my passion for writing began to melt. Not that I stopped thinking about it, because I certainly didn't. I was plagued with the knowledge that I was wasting the potential that I used to love so much about myself, which only set things back further.

But, here I am! Several months on. And I'm in Bristol! With a new job! And a new flat! Sounds like I got exactly what I wanted, right? No, of course not. I had to sift through the dust to find to fossil of disappointment in an otherwise ideal scenario. I think it's just beginning to dawn on me that writing is what makes me happy, so having a job that has nothing to do with what makes me happy seems ridiculous. This sensation is unlike any writers block I've ever experienced. It's the saddening realisation that I'm subconsciously letting go of the single idea that I've held onto for years. And that realisation broke my heart.

I have never been one for New Years resolutions, and it's already quite far into January so it seems strange to start now, but I believe I owe myself this much. Now, I won't say that I'll post more on here. What I will say is that I will make an effort to honour the passion for writing that I have. Just because it's been difficult doesn't mean it's over. If anything, this can be my redemption arc. Because I want to be a writer. In fact, I am a writer. All I have to do is prove that, is write,